Ban the poor and the young from buses and jail them if they sneak on board - don't worry, it's only priapic politician Alan B'Stard revealing his new policies. Jeremy Campbell meets actor Rik Mayall to find out why he has resurrected his Honourable Member...
There is not much you can say about Rik Mayall that he won't say himself. He is a self-proclaimed genius, a giant of entertainment who has covered our screens and stages with unforgettable comedy moments.
And yet, in spite of the boasts, it is impossible not to like him. He has a boyish charm, a keen intelligence and a glint in his eye which defines the phrase.
He is an insatiable flirt with, perhaps psychotic, and disturbingly energetic.
For this interview, he is Rik, not Alan B'Stard. Dressed extremely casually in old blue jeans, t-shirt, and rubber soul shoes, the only hint of pretence is a fancy looking scarf.
However, his genius is on show only an hour later as he strides down Wimbledon High Street as B'Stard. He is utterly professional and surprisingly eager to please.
"I love my people, I am a great patriot. My country needed me to remove Thatcher, and I did it, now my country needs me to remove Tony, so I am doing," he says.
He is proud of the effect B'Stard has on the political classes, but only because it makes him laugh. He visited Parliament while playing B'Stard in the West End.
He says: "The bloke at the entrance to Parliament, and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone this, but as we go into Parliament, this bloke asks for my autograph.
"We got up to the viewers gallery and the MPs were nudging each other saying 'That's Rik Mayall'.
"On another occasion, during a debate, a Tory MP said: 'And how does the Prime Minister feel about Alan B'Stard crossing the House and joining the Labour Party?' How about that for famous? It doesn't get better than that."
Lawrence Marks and Maurice Gran wrote the character for Mayall. No-one else could play him with such panache. But it is well known that Mayall adds his own unscripted flourishes in a regular basis. In spite of this his respect for the authors is clear. He calls them the greatest in the land, but was still reluctant to go over old ground.
He says: "They asked if I wanted to do it. I said no, we've done that gag, we don't need to do it again, but they presented me with the script and I thought 'This is a good idea'.
"Because the Labour Party has become so right wing that it is just like the Conservative Party. So Alan created New Labour. He plucked someone out of nowhere, dusted him off, and gave him a name, which was Tony Bleaugh."
"I saw the script and thought I would go against one of my laws of pan-global entertainment, which is 'Don't go back'."
It is a motto he inherited from a Rock and Roll hero, Little Richard, who Mayall met a few years back. Little, as Mayall calls him, said 'always go out at the top'.
Which is why Mayall pulled the plug on the seminal Young Ones, and never considers a reunion.
As arrogant as he pretends to be, he is reluctant to accept the impact of that show, and is suddenly humble. Perhaps here is the real man.
"I'm still honoured and flattered by how people come up and talk about The Young Ones. But it's why I drove it off the cliff. I enjoyed the Goodies when I was younger., but series one was great, series two, good, series three, not so good. Always stop at the top, which is what Little Richard said to me."
He has freedom on stage to be utterly outrageous. There is sex, violence and some political intrigue in the show.
He says: "TV is much more scared. In theatre you have freedom of expression.
"In theatre, you are seeing something written specifically for you, with much more freedom. Every week, Lawrence and Maurice hand me another fistful of jokes, so every week there will be a whole pile of jokes that weren't there on the last night in the West End."
He improvises well, perhaps because he is quite close to his characters, he admits.
"I have talked before about the fact that the characters I do best are the ones that are really stuff that I have in myself, in as much as (he goes into characters) Rik from the Young Ones is a selfish little twat, and Rich from Bottom, who is a big selfish twat. Then Alan is all about vanity and self-obsession. Alan has no morality at all. He walks freely through life doing whatever he wants."
"Someone who's so moral free, why you laugh at that person, that's a deep question. You laugh at a person because you disapprove of them, so through the experience of watching someone like that, you wash yourself of those un-pleasantries.," he reflects.
Then quickly back into character. "Alan thinks there should be a new prison built in Bromley. We should not have free bus travel for young people, and anyone young or poor caught on the bus should be taken off the buses and put into the prison."
I ask if any politicians have ever tried to influence the script.
He says: "There were a lot of MPs in the studios, but none has ever tried to get anything into the storyline.
"I know they tried to assassinate me with a quad bike. But they failed. I was dead for five days. It was the day before Good Friday, the day my friend Jesus was nailed up.
"I went down on that Thursday, Jesus went up on Friday. On Easter Day Jesus comes back to life. On Bank Holiday Monday, that's when I was not dead. 5-3, I beat Jesus. 2,000 years later, hello? I think you want to buy a ticket."
And on that note, he is gone, to emerge as B'Stard for a photo call, and delight the unsuspecting shoppers.
The New Statesman comes to Bromley Churchill Theatre from May 29 - June 3.