Stop all free school meals for children, quadruple the Humber Bridge toll and double the price of the St Stephen's development.
It is hardly an election manifesto that is going to curry favour with many city voters, but for Rik Mayall's outrageous MP Alan B'Stard, being unpleasant is just a part of everyday life.
The former Young Ones star visited the city yesterday to plug his forthcoming turn as the corrupt politician at Hull New Theatre.
The 48-year-old comic reckoned his political mover and shaker would make short shrift of the city's current elected representatives.
On a regal walk about through the city centre, Rik, dressed as his odious MP character, took time to harangue a passing traffic warden and salute the city stink.
"Oh yes, Alan would be most shocked by the state of Hull," said Rik.
"He would stop all free school meals immediately because we should not waste food on northern children.
"Secondly, Alan would say quadruple the toll on the Humber Bridge because we do not want poor people going any further south.
"And finally, Alan is delighted by the St Stephen's development overspend because it is Alan companies that are building it. He would like to thank the people of Hull for their money."
He's joking, of course - although sometimes it can be hard to tell with the manic comedian who made his name playing gormless right-on student Rick in The Young Ones before moving on to Alan B'Stard in The New Statesman then the toilet humour of Bottom.
The political satire was a massive success during the late 1980s and has now returned in a stage version in which Alan may have defected from the Tories to New Labour, but is still up to the same old plotting and scheming.
The show arrives at Hull New Theatre on Monday, April 23, for a six-day run.
And "the pan-global phenomenon Rik Mayall", as he calls himself, said The New Statesman was as funny as ever. "If you want this level of brilliant humour you are going to have to come and see me live in The New Statesman."